this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
