you guys were way drunker than both of me
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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