Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Soap is not a condiment
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
