can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
