so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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