Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
