i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
