Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
