The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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