The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
