She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
