Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
