there's paper in my vomit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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