Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
