No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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