can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
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I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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