I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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