billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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