My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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