I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
sarcasm needs its own font
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
