What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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