My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
