I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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