Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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