the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
