I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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