Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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