lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
