dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
