i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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