If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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