There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
