I heard we made out
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
