I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
