I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
third nipple confirmed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
