It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
