You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
