careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
