dude i'm inner monologue high
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
