how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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