Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
