just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
