12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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