he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
jump out the window naked night went bad
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