My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
