every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
