My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
