just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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