I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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