glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
