I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
