Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
