He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
