he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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