You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
