He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
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I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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