Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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